Communicating Communication: Your Interpersonal Relationship ...

Last week I was reading about an interesting concept regarding interpersonal communication called attachment theory. Attachment theory, in sum, says our attachment style is developed through childhood, and determines how we attach ourselves to others throughout our life. A big part of our sense of self is shaped in childhood, even more so than we have yet to realize. I found attachment theory to be interesting because it explained some phenomenon in my life, and I wanted to share what I learned with the world. Maybe it will make you more aware of some aspects of your interpersonal relational life, too.

Attachment theory is first of all, not as simple as I will describe it. This particular part of the theory will be based upon the research of Cindy Hazan and?Phillip?Shaver in a paper called Romantic Love Conceptualized as an Attachment Process. I will just be covering the highlights, and what parts of it resonates well with a broad audience. With that being said, there are two basic concepts; they are:

1. Concept of self-worth;?meaning, how we develop a sense of independence.
2. Concept of others;?meaning, how we see others as being supporting and accepting, verses not supportive and rejecting.

The outcome of these two concepts depend upon the interactions that are involved in our upbringing by our parents or caregivers. The theory states that we need at least one person whom to receive affectionate support. Based on the interactions of our caregiver, we develop our affection into one of the three styles.


Secure

The first of the three styles is called a secure attachment style. If you have a secure attachment style, you were probably given a high level of affection and comfort as a child. When we are young, we like to explore, touch things, and satisfy our curiosity; however, we are aware that the world can be a not so safe place sometimes. Knowing that we are being supported by safety net or a comfort zone allows us to explore and learn.

Additionally, being given freedom while knowing we are being looked after allows us to generate more confidence in our decisions. This confidence in our decision making stays with us throughout life. We are more likely to explore and learn the world around us, on our own, both experiences and in new relationships. A secure attachment style will have a high level of self-confidence, as well as the ability to be able to trust others.

Anxious-Ambivalent


An anxious-ambivalent attachment style forms when there is inconsistency in the care given to a child. There might be some days when a lot of care was given, and others when the child is being completely ignored. Imagine for a moment what that is like. It could be very confusing. I personally can relate to this style when I began going to school. My Mother who was a young parent showed me a lot of affection. We would sing, play games, and she was my best friend. But then it was time for Kindergarten, a place where I was not prepared to be. While the affection that was given was important and still creates fond memories, the feeling of being thrown out into a world all by myself still persists with me to this day. I was confused because I saw my Mother as a?loving?affectionate figure, but then I saw her as someone who threw me out into the wild with a bunch of strangers.

Anxious-ambivalent attachment styles create uncertainty in an individual. Inconsistent affection leads to someone not being able to determine whether or not to give affection to others. Additionally, they may not acknowledge the affection being given towards them because they are preparing themselves for the affection to go away. Anxious-ambivalent styles are associated with low-self esteem and low self-confidence. I personally had to go through some major experiences for me to grow from this kind of style. I will cover the few ways in which your attachment styles can change at the end of this post.

Avoidant


An avoidant attachment style is when there is minimal or no affection and comfort provided to a child when they experience distress. A child who is being ignored can only cry so much before it learns that crying won't do any good, therefor the child learns to take responsibility for their actions. Rather than become seclusive later in life, a person in this attachment style grows with a sense of high self-esteem. Although they have high self-confidence, they are not trusting of others like those who have a secure attachment style. They were brought up without trust, so will have difficulties putting trust in others.

Avoidant attachment styles form when parents provide low levels of affection and comfort when a child experiences distress. The child becomes detached and rely on themselves to deal with the distress. Avoidant attachment kids have high self-esteem but low trust in others. They may become dangerously self-reliant.

Changing your Attachment Style


In?summary, these three styles are set in stone and established when we are young and they stay with us as we get older. Our attachment styles penetrate our relationships in a positive or negative way. Changing your attachment style is not something that is easily done, and it's even more difficult depending on your personality. Some examples of what might change your attachment style are things like a?marriage, a divorce, death of a loved on, or a new relationship. ?Additionally, the other person's attachment style?may make you change your attachment style if it is?detrimental?to continuing the relationship. Also, group support such as friends who are understanding may make you take on a new perspective to relationships. Lastly, therapy is a way of understanding the deep emotional feelings you have about your childhood.

Previous mentioned examples of ways you can change your attachment style were ones I found online and through reading, but I personally think there exists a way that has not been mentioned: through?leadership or mentorship. A strong leader or mentor?can contribute to a transformational change that is?necessary?to understanding how you attach yourself to relationships.

The Bottom Line

Understanding attachment styles developed as a child is important because they affect how a person involves themselves in new relationships for the rest of their life. Different attachment styles may be beneficial in particular situations, but a secure attachment style provides the self confidence and ability to trust others which will ensure healthy, strong, and the grounds for relationships that will provide the greatest satisfaction in life. Major events can happen in life that can change your attachment style, but the most proactive way to adopt a secure attachment style is through therapy and or seeking out a mentor or leader.?

Source: http://www.raymondduke.com/2012/10/YourInterpersonalRelationshipAttachmentStyleDevelopsinChildhood.html

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